you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
