When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
