Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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