This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
