ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
