I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
