fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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