yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
