there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
A+ Viking dick
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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