JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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