thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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