Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
