Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
