I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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