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I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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