The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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