Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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