the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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