i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
