Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
