Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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