Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he was CRYING into my vagina
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
