I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
