hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
