so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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