So drunk its hurt
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
