I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
