I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
