i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
