ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
