If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
