I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
