Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
