I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize