The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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