i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
