I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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