She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
