hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
