The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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