bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
