whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
