I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
