im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize