i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need to calm my uterus...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I need to align my fucking chakras
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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