You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
