She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
