dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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