I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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