My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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