If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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