living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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