Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
