He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
