Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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