This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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