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Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just had sex bonerless
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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