i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize