My friends, they love my intelligence
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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